AS MANY OF YOU KNOW I LOST MY ELDEST DAUGHTER TO ADOPTION BACK IN 74. WE'VE NOW BEEN REUNITED SINCE 2001. THIS EVENING I'LL BE STEPPING INTO HER WORLD, HER ADOPTIVE SISTER IS HOSTING A DINNER PARTY IN THEIR HONOR, AND OF COURSE I'LL BE INTRODUCED AROUND, BY HER *ADOPTIVE* FAMILY. I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT I AM DOING ON PURPOSE TO PUT THE EMPHASIS ON *ADOPTIVE*
I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH THIS, ALTHOUGH HATING TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION IT DOES CAUSE ME SOME ANXIETIES. I'VE PINPOINTED THE REASONS FOR THIS ANXIETY, IT LIES IN ONE WORD *BIOLOGICAL*.
FOR SOME REASON, I HATE THAT WORD, IT SOUNDS SO SCIENTIFIC AND COLD. WHEN I INTRODUCE MYSELF TO PEOPLE IN HER REALM I USE THE WORD *NATURAL*, FOR ME THIS WORD SOUNDS SO MUCH LESS COLD. HER ADOPTIVE MOTHER AND SISTER SEEM TO GET A SATISFYING SMUGNESS WHEN THEY SAY THE WORD *BIOLOGICAL* AND IT'S PROBABLY WHY I GRINGE EVERY TIME THEY SAY IT.
SINCE LAST EVENING I'VE BEEN DEBATING HOW DO I GET AROUND THIS DILEMNA? I DON'T WANT TO INSULT THEM, BUT HOW WOULD THEY LIKE IT IF I INTRODUCED THEM BY *THIS IS MARIE CLAUDE'S ADOPTIVE FAMILY, ALL THE TIME. *SIGH* AM I MAKING TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS? DO I SIMPLY IGNORE IT? IT'S PRETTY DAMN HARD TO IGNORE. TO ME, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIND OF EMOTIONS IT STIRS WITHIN ME.
SO I'VE THOUGHT OF THE FOLLOWINGS:
I DON'T GIVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THE INTRODUCTION, I INTRODUCE MYSELF BEFORE THEY ARE ABLE TO. THIS TO ME, SOUNDS LIKE AN AGGRESSIVE WAY OF DOING IT, LOL,
OR DO I SIMPLY IGNORE IT, AND ENJOY MY EVENING, IT IS AFTER ALL MARIE AND PHIL'S EVENING...I KNOW I'LL GET THROUGH IT AND TRY TO BE AS UNDERSTANDING AS POSSIBLE OF HER ADOPTIVE MOM!!! SHE'S FELT THREATENED BY ME SINCE THE BEGINNING OF OUR REUNION. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY, I'VE TOLD HER, FROM THE START, THAT I WAS NOT TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM HER, HECK I GAVE HER THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT ANY HUMAN BEING CAN EVER GIVE, MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.
I STILL BELIEVE IT IS UNATURAL FOR MOTHER AND CHILD TO BE SEPARATED, NEITHER OF THEM EVER HEAL FROM THIS PRIMAL WOUND. BUT THEN THIS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BLOG.
PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW POWERFUL WORDS REALLY ARE, I FIND THAT THE WORD *BIOLOGICAL* SERVES TO MINIMIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF ME BEING IN MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE. IT IS A WORD THAT REMOVES ANY EMOTIONS FROM THE SITUATION. IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE SHE WAS CREATED IN A LABORATORY.
I KNOW I AM OVER ANALYZING THIS TOO MUCH!!!! REMOVE THE DANG ENERGIZER BATTERIES FROM MY BACK PLEASE SOMEONE............
It is complex! Just ignore the whole "biological-natural" debate!
ReplyDeleteYou are of an age where You can call Your young one "Sister" and appreciate her from that standpoint!
Wish You Luck regardless! Hugs!**
Geez Nicholas what a beautiful way of resolving my run away thoughts, thank you, I can indeed call her *sister*, come to think of it, our relationship is indeed geared more towards a sisterhood.. *smiles*
ReplyDeleteMy Uncle is adopted, (my mother's brother). His mother gave him up for adoption to a couple who had for for a week when there was a terrible accident. He was thrown from the car..only 20 days old. His adoptive mother died in the crash, his adopted father wasn't emotionally capable to deal w/the death of his wife & the raising of my Uncle...so My grandfather and grandmother (my grandfather was a pastor and knew the family), decided to adopt him as their own.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother has always called his "biological mother" his BIRTH mother. I don't know if that makes any difference for you, but honestly I can see the 'feelings' on both sides of this, being the Niece of an adopted Uncle...AND being a step-mother to Kyle Full-time!
He's not "mine" technically, but he IS mine. I've raised him, I love him. He is my son. So I do feel protective of him around his mother's family...I know I shouldn't recent that he has family on his mom's side...but I cannot help how I feel. Esp. considering the reasons I have not to trust them. But that is totally different from your situation.
I do know that some people would feel threatened by this situation because they too have a very strong bond w/a child, even if they never gave birth to the child. It does cause some people to behave in a less desirable way, and then for others though they behave nicely, it can be worrisome or hurtful. I don't think she's mad at you or resentful AT you...I just think that those fears and insecurities that most adoptive mother's have when adopting a baby all came to surface when you were "discovered".
I think going and just ignoring it is best. You were invited and included by you daughter, that's all that you really need to focus on.
~hugs
J